


Keeping Up With the Hausdashians

by Blackbeyond



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Infidelity, Keeping Up With the Kardashians AU, M/M, Miscommunication, Not really though, Personalities Have Been Exaggerated For Kardashian Effect, Reality TV AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-20
Updated: 2016-09-20
Packaged: 2018-08-16 09:27:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8096812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackbeyond/pseuds/Blackbeyond
Summary: What happens when you want the Haus and Friends to experience #drama so you have to put them in a Kardashian reality show. This is Keeping Up With the Hausdashains.





	

[The television screen is blacked out before a puck is thrown from off-screen, “cracking” the center of the screen. The words “Haus Sweet Haus” scrawl over the top, followed by a montage of Samwell Hockey Players in various “high fashion” poses. The final image is of Bitty, Ransom, Lardo, Holster, and a few of the Frogs in the back. The theme song, a fast-paced anthem, halts to a stop as the final title card darkens the images of the hockey players and the words “Keeping up with the Haus” come up before fading away.]

  
_“Today we’re going to see Jack play against the Aces!” Chowder crows into the camera, his Falconers jersey standing out against the muted gray backdrop behind him. “Parson is so cool for coming to our Kegsters and stuff, but Jack is just, well, Jack! It’s gonna be ‘swawesome!”_ >

The camera zoomed in on Bitty, the blond haired player smiling at his phone as he happily texted to who the other players assumed was his significant other. Lardo was in the passenger seat, yelling out directions to Shitty, who’d come to pick up a few of his old teammates to take the game. Ransom and Holster were in the back, fighting over who would get to wear the only foam finger they’d brought along while Chowder stared out the car window in wonder.

“Left Shitty! LEFT!”

“JESUS CHRIST WOMAN I TOOK A LEFT!”

“THAT WAS A RIGHT YOU HARVARD EDUCATED FUCK!”

“Mom, Dad, please stop fighting,” Ransom sighed from the back of the car, gently tugging the foam finger from Holster’s grasps.

“Shut the fuck up I will turn this car around,” Shitty scolded.

The scene showed how comfortable they were with each other, despite the yelling. That is, until Bitty got a tweet.

“@omgcheckplease Jack Zimmerman and Kent Parson caught kissing outside rink. Did you know?”

_“…I have no words,” Bitty whispers to the camera, the Zimmerman jersey he had been sporting earlier today no longer on. “How could he do that? Just go out and kiss Parson like it was nothing.” Bitty checks his phone. “Oh great, he’s calling again.” Shaking fingers hover over the accept call, but Bitty shakes his head and ignores it. “I don’t want to deal with this right now.”_  


The Samwell Hockey team sat outside the hockey rink, scrolling through every social media account they had to catch up on the news before they went in.

“I had no idea,” Shitty muttered, “Jack never told me.”

“There’s apparently a lot he never told us,” Bitty said bitterly, shutting off his Twitter app and staring angrily at the screen.

_“I feel like, maybe Bitty felt like he was closest to Jack?” Shitty admits to the camera, “hell, he Skypes Jack more than I do, so maybe he is?” There’s silence for a few moments. “Jack never liked to talk about Parson, maybe this is why.”_

Jack is inside his locker room, the rest of his team is giving him space. Some the newer teammates give him the eye, thinking he’s going to help the Aces win now. Jack types in a number, blurred from editing, and presses the speaker to his ear again.

“Hey! It’s Eric! I can’t take your call right now, but just leave me your name and number and I’ll get back to you when I can! See ya!”

“Hey, Bitty, please call me back. I need to talk to you.”

Jack lowers the phone and buries his head in his hands.

_“Zimmboni is sad,” Tater says to the cameras reluctantly. “I think he is trying to call significant other. He says he did not kiss Ace player. I believe him.” The Russian looks threateningly at the cameras, “you will tell everyone Zimmboni not kiss Ace player. Zimmboni love his other very much.”_  


Bitty stared at his phone, watching the missed calls add up as Jack continued to try and call him.

“Hey Bits, you coming?” Chowder asked timidly, waiting on Bitty while the rest of the team went to take their seats before the game started.

“Yeah, don’t worry about me,” Bitty said. “I’ll be there in a moment.”

Chowder hesitated and nodded, patting Bitty on the back shortly before running to catch up with his friends.

__

_“I will end him,” Bitty says simply to the camera._

“C’mon Zims, ya gonna talk to me? Am I that bad of a kisser?” Kent taunted from outside the locker room. Jack was the only one left inside, still trying to call Bitty, shoulders shaking with each dial.

“Fuck off Parson,” a small voice said from down the hallway and Kent looked up to see the tiny blond kid from Samwell.

“Dude, this doesn’t concern you. Chill,” Kent laughed, turning back to the door to taunt Jack. He was not expecting the punch to his face.

“Bless you heart,” Bitty said with false sweetness, rubbing his knuckles, “words just don’t register in your pretty little head do they? I’m going to say it again, get your trashy bleach blond ass out of the way before I cut you.”

Kent paused, evaluating his situation. He was on the ground before this pipsqueak had knocked him out. This pipsqueak wanted him to walk away. It looked like the pipsqueak was going to punch him again.

Bitty nodded with satisfaction as Kent sprinted away down the hallway. The blond knocked on the door.

“It’s me.”

Jack shot up from his seat, running to the door and throwing it open.

“Bittle, I didn’t-“

“Sit down, Jack.”

_“Parson came up to me and kissed me. I didn’t- it took me by surprise. I pushed him away as soon as I knew what was going on.” Jack fiddled with his jersey, avoiding facing the camera. “I would never…”_  


Bitty tucked his head underneath Jack’s, the smaller male sitting on Jack’s lap, the two cuddling against each other after Jack told him everything.

“I’m sorry I thought you cheated on me with Parson,” Bitty whispered, “I shouldn’t have even let that thought enter my mind. You would never cheat on me.”

“It’s…okay,” Jack said, “I should never have put myself in that situation.”

Bitty shook his head, “it’s not your fault. Parson is an asshole.”

Jack snorted and nodded.

“ZIMMBONI, IT IS TIME FOR GAME!”

Bitty and Jack jolted, but didn’t release each other from their embrace, blinking as Tater barged into the locker room and spotted them.

“Um… I should go,” Bitty announced, stepping away from Jack as Tater stared.

“This is one you call a lot?” Tater asked, pointing at Bitty. Jack looked at Bitty for a moment.

“Yes. This…is my boyfriend. Bitty.”

Tater walked over to Bitty and clasped his hands on the younger man’s shoulders.

“You make Zimmboni very happy. Does he make you happy?”

“Um, yes. He does,” Bitty said, wincing at the force of Tater’s patting.

“It all good now,” Tater asked, “I can tell camera people to leave?”

The camera zooms out as the three men turn towards the camera crew.

“Nah,” Jack said, standing up, “I’m going to set everything straight. Is…that alright Bitty?”

Bitty bright smile was all the answer he needed.

  
_“I’m dating Eric Bittle,” Jack tells the camera. “I’m very happy as is. I never kissed Kent Parson, but I have kissed Eric Bittle. Many times. In many positions.”_

_“Oh my goodness, Jack!” Bitty’s voice cries from off-camera. The image that fades into the credits is one of Jack Zimmerman smirking at the camera as Bitty comes barreling towards him._

**Author's Note:**

> Come chat on [tumblr!](http://www.unexpectedzimbits.tumblr.com)


End file.
